This morning my teammate Lauren and I went out to the market area to pray for the beggars. Just to walk around and see what opportunities would pop up for us to meet people since there are a lot of beggars in that area.

We had two contrasting encounters.

The first: Two women, both with toddlers. We small talked for a bit and then asked if we could pray for them. I asked them if they had any prayer requests and both of their responses were, "that Jesus would help me"...vague, but okay.

We prayed for these women and their families. Whenever I pray for someone lately, and even for myself, I've been reminded that it's not about the things I'm asking for, but that God's presence is with me and that person in that moment. That is sweeter than anything I can ask for. That's a beautiful thing; something I hope that these women encountered today.

After we prayed, the women were smiling. They seemed to be encouraged, but then there was this awkward "what happens now?" look between all four of us. We didn't buy them rice, we didn't give them any money. "God bless you, goodbye".

The second encounter: My friend Ming, "Yay" (Grandma), Sooan (Ming's daughter), Ming's nephew, and this other older lady that Lauren and I met on the way walking to the restaurant we ate at. We sat down at the table, ordered food and chit chatted (all the while mosquitoes are biting my legs off under the table).

Yay and the other older lady didn't really talk much. At one point I turned to the older lady and asked her if she knew Jesus, because Ming and I had just finished talking about going to church tomorrow. The lady said she didn't know Jesus, and then I proceeded to word vomit on her, somehow attempting to "explain" who Jesus is in under two minutes. Just the whole conversation felt like a smack in the face to me. I was reminded that this lady has literally NO context for Jesus and maybe overwhelming her with all these new ideas was me looking past her with an agenda, rather than to love her and be present with her. That was my conviction, at least.

Meanwhile, throughout our meal, beggar kids were standing at the door of the restaurant, waiting for us to buy them rice too. "We can't feed the village", I thought to myself. But I also thought about how Jesus always had enough to feed the people that came to him. Would the money in mine and Lauren's wallets have increased if we would have invited those people in to eat with us? Do I have enough faith to pray for that? Or is it not good to give free handouts and create dependency and encourage these beggar families to keep begging? This stuff stresses me out and seems so complicated.

Lauren and I paid the bill, said goodbyes to our friends and then walked back to the market together. We both felt weird about the two encounters we had. One was prayer without any tangible help, and the other was buying rice, and something about it felt weird to me even though we enjoyed spending time with those people.

I don't know. I feel like a baby disciple-learning, failing, and yet succeeding by showing up and being obedient (sometimes) to the nudges that God gives me. If Jesus had gone to the market today, what would his interactions with the beggars have been like?

These people have physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. They are poor in all of these things. I am rich. I want to share my wealth-God's wealth with them. Honestly, I really don't want to be the white girl that buys the beggars rice--that this is what they know me as. And I don't want to be the stingy white girl that comes and prays for people but overlooks their grumbling stomachs, sicknesses, and homelessness.

Woo! It's good to get my thoughts out. I'm grateful for the things God is challenging me (and Lauren) with and I'm grateful for the opportunities that He's giving us to encounter Him through all this stuff. That's where it's at--encountering Him.

I was thinking about it last week; if I wanted to set any resolutions for myself or not. I thought mostly how I want to become a better cook. You know, expand my Repertoire (yes, I just looked that word up on the dictionary to learn how to spell it) a bit because making meals for people is fun.

Then the other night I started writing a letter to my best friend Channele. I was going off on one of my usual rants, as I do in letters, about things I'm learning and being challenged by. Writing is crazy in that it sometimes feels like you are looking at yourself in a mirror once you begin writing your thoughts out. I love that.

As I shared with Channele my thoughts about God in the past year of my life and being here in Cambodia, I sat there and thought to myself, "God is crazy". I mean that in the most reverent way. Let me explain.

I have so many questions about life. SO many questions. About God. About missions. About poverty. About relationships. About culture. And the textbook answers that I've clinged to and searched for don't always pan out when I face the reality of these questions in my face.

I've cried here and there, I've wanted to take a bat to a window, and I've wanted to scream at the top of my lungs when I've been frustrated by these life questions and circumstances I don't understand. But instead most of the time I just come home and sit on my bed and say to God, "I don't get it!" And I walk around stressed out, angry and I feel so defeated I just wanna give up on trying.

As I was explaining some of this to Channele, I thought about how much time and energy I'm wasting because I'm seeking understanding to give me peace at the end of every day. And I'm seeking to understand God in order to enjoy Him and love Him. Like understanding life and God is a prerequisite for me to worship Him.

So as much as I'm against New Year's resolutions, I'm making it a goal for myself this year to spend time sitting in awe of how God is mysterious. The things that perplex me, make me angry, frustrate the heck out of me because I just don't get them...I'm gonna write those things down and just sit back and meditate on how God DOES get them. He's way beyond us, and the beauty in that is that He doesn't expect us to grasp it all like He does. Isn't that cool? I think He just wants us to marvel at His mystery rather than scrambling for understanding. I want to learn to appreciate His mystery and love Him regardless of life making sense or not!

Suesdai Chanam Ta-my! (Happy New Year!)

So I have a friend who is a beggar. I call her "Ming", which means Auntie in Khmer. Ming is how you address ladies who are around your mom's age. Anywho, Ming and I have been friends for a few months now and hang out occasionally. She's a homie.

My relationship with Ming has been really challenging, yet really cool. As I've gotten to know her and some of her family, my heart understands a little bit more about poverty and how rough  it is. I've been challenged in how to help Ming and her family. I've paid for meals, I've bought medicine and I've bought them rice. I'm not saying that to brag and say "look what I did", but more so I want you to understand the predicament my "helping" Ming has caused our relationship.

When I think about it, it seems like common sense to say yes when a beggar asks me to buy them food. Duh, I'll buy you rice. Here I am, it's 3pm I've already had two meals and a smoothie, but you have yet to eat ANYTHING today? Of course I'll buy you rice! I have pity on you. How can I say no?

I've said that to myself so many times as Ming has asked me to help her..."how can I say no?" My wallet won't be dented if I give her $5 or $10. It's really not a thing, so why not?

Embarrassingly, I admit that lately I've felt like Ming's suga mama. She's my friend and her family doesn't have rice to eat or medicine for their sick kid. How can I deny them basic survival when I am capable of helping? So I've helped her.

But what I've been learning is that though I don't see her as a beggar, I'm still treating her like one. And though saying no is hard and sometimes in my heart it doesn't make sense to deny her family help when I'm capable, I can't treat her like a beggar. I want to show her the dignity and value that God created her with. That she's not pitied; she's cared about.

When I was 15, that was the first time I cried out to Jesus and said, "rescue me from this". I was begging him for something. But I'm not a beggar anymore. I still ask him for a lot, but I love knowing him and worshiping him, and the "stuff" is just warm fuzzies.

In the Kingdom of God, Ming is but a mustard seed. I really believe she is. She sees herself as this insignificant and dependent thing, with no hope but to beg. But she's someone who God believes in. She's someone who He deeply cares for and longs for to know Him. She'll come to Him as a beggar, but she'll be transformed. He's into the business of watering and growing mustard seeds.  

I sat there across from Ming today, sipping on a coke, listening to her stories about her family. As I looked at her, I felt so much hope for her. I felt crazy because here she was telling me how upset and stressed she is about money, but I couldn't stop thinking of the ways that God is gonna overwhelm her life with hope. 

What shall we say the Kingdom of God is like, or what parable shall we use to describe it? It is like a mustard seed, which is the smallest seed you plant in the ground. Yet when planted, it sprouts and grows to become the largest of all garden plants, with such big branches that the birds of the air can perch in its shade.   

--Jesus (Mark 4:30-32)

It feels like my mind and heart have been in a funk lately. My role at Daughters is changing a bit and I've felt kind of out of sorts. I've had days at Daughters  where I literally just sit there and scramble to find something to "do" because the girls in the kitchen are too busy and no one is free to study English. It's been challenging and stressful.

As I've been sitting in the café, or riding my bike back and forth from Daughters, or doing laundry, or whatever else in this past week, I've been stuck on the question, "what is the purpose of what I do every day?" Not in a cynical way, but really wanting to understand God's purposes in the things I'm invested in.

I don't have some sweet one-line conclusion to share, and I don't think it's just an answer I'm looking for-unfortunately, it's more so that I'm searching for a feeling that I am achieving something. I think it's been good for my eyes to be opened to that and to see how silly and futile it is to think that way.

The desire to achieve is so dangerous. It trumps out love! And I'm missing it if that's all I'm after. I am looking past the very people that I'm working with if it's just about me and achieving. That's selfishness.

Love doesn't always produce results. In fact, the very nature of love is that it has no expectation of anything in return. If the only thing I am to do in Cambodia or wherever I am is to love people, then I have to let go of achieving, of my worldly perspective of being "purposeful" and continue learning to love those around me as Jesus does.

The second I put a program or my English class or any task above the people I am doing these things for, that's when I'm losing sight of love, the very reason for which I do these things in the first place.

I have more peace today than I've had in a while because God has reminded of my simple purpose to love. That's how we encounter Him, and that's how we serve Him. Not to get stuck on doing, but to love and to love. That's His heart.

Since coming to Cambodia almost a year ago, I've started dreaming about starting an English school for girls affected by the sex trade, either currently in prostitution or already out. I've been teaching English at Daughters-just an hour a day-but it's been so rewarding to me and I'm realizing that I am a TEACHER. It's part of who I am and it's a passion that God has given me for a purpose beyond teaching English.

English is a tool that will bring a piece of freedom to these girls-by empowering them to be able to find decent work, but also the hard work they put into learning is healing and empowering in itself. I've seen it with my own eyes, and that's why I love it.

I believe God gave me this dream for an English school, that is, it's something that He wants me to pursue, but I'm tempted to deem it a fleeting thought and throw it on the backburner until...I don't know what. I feel guilty saying that, but that's really what I've done.

So I'm sitting here in a café writing down ideas about my English dreams. I've felt challenged to go back to what God said in giving me the dream, and the enthusiasm I felt when I started thinking about how cool it would be to open a school.

But every time I think about it or talk about it, a flood of thoughts come to mind...

I have a year left in Cambodia according to my two-year commitment that I made to AIM and the support I raised. I keep thinking about "well, I only have a year left". I don't "deserve" to be in Cambodia longer than two years. This is the time I have-then I have to go back and get an "American job".

I'm only 23 and have absolutely no training in teaching and very little experience. And honestly, I don't think I'm the greatest teacher-I just enjoy it and feel like I do a decent job.

I've thought to myself, "Okay this English school idea sounds really cool and all, but I'm not a dreamer and if it's not something that's spelled out for me, I probably won't do it".

But here's the thing...none of my thoughts have anything to do with God. Isn't He the God of the Universe who could MAKE me into a good English teacher? Couldn't He show me how to make my dream a reality if I asked Him to, because this really is HIS dream anyway? Why would He get me all excited about an English school just to send me home after two years? He doesn't just throw out ideas-He said His words never return void.

I think it's just ME who is snuffing out this dream. So I feel challenged to have faith and start nurturing it and praying into it. To start running with it until God says otherwise. I feel TOTALLY unworthy saying that-and kind of guilty pursuing something that seems impractical-this is so not me!

But God has given me a dream darn it, and today I'm gonna start following it.

She has boyfriends on and off, but no one really consistent and faithful. No one who truly cares for her--they always have ulterior motives. She has friends at work, but it seems like everyone is so caught up in the chaos of their own lives that they don't really care for her beyond being good company during mealtimes and breaks. As she looks around, she sees chaos and scraping by as the norm. Everyone has to take care of themselves; she can't expect others to care for her.

I've seen isolation at its worst in the women that I've met here. It's drained and killed their hope, and it's silenced them. Isolation has led them to believe that oppression and hopelessness is their norm. I truly believe that isolation is Satan's biggest tool in oppressing these women-in all people for that matter.

Just as I've seen the power of isolation, I've also begun to see God's power in community. As I've been frustrated lately that isolation is such a stronghold in Cambodia, even in my own life, I've also been reminded that God heals us slowly and doesn't always work at the pace or in the ways we want Him to.

This past weekend I went to Sihanoukville for a retreat with the Daughters staff. It was awesome. We played at the beach, ate a plethora of seafood--SO good--and had great times of fellowship and Bible study.

As I felt very aware of my foreigner-ness amongst all the Khmer people I was with, it hit me that God was building community among people at Daughters long before I came. And that if community has been something on my heart recently, it's been something on God's heart for much longer, and He is already creating and growing it.

But I still wanna ask you to PRAY. Pray for the community at Daughters, and for the many other places in Cambodia where men and women affected by the sex trade are isolated. Believing that oppression and hopelessness is the norm, with no one to tell them any different. They'll know God's love when they're in community and encouraging each other with the truth. We need people in the tunnel with us to encourage us to have hope in God when we don't feel or see it. No one can fight alone, no matter how strong they are.

And let us consider how we may spur one another toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another, and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Hebrews 10:24-25

I've been trying to find a church home for a while now. I've been going to a big church since coming to Cambodia, but it's really been a desire of mine to be part of a smaller church where I know everyone by name. So I went to a new church this past Sunday. The church meets at the site of a dried fruit business called Cambodian Harvest. It's a business that started a church, and a lot of the Cambodian Harvest employees attend there. I've been curious about this place for a while so I was excited to finally check it out.

My first impressions when I walked in: "Cool. The people seem friendly." I got some smiles and people kind of scooted in so I had somewhere to stand. They had already started worship.

I was really distracted during worship. There was a foreign woman raising her hands walking around and dancing awkwardly in the middle of the room, worshiping. I was thinking, "what the heck is going on? Who does this woman think she is?" I was being pretty critical.

We sang worship songs for what seemed like an hour. My kind of church! Dear churches who only sing 3 songs...man! Let worship go and let us spend some time praising God! I'm just sayin.

The microphone was passed around and different people "led" during worship. Not always on key and not always together, but genuine-what matters. Again, I had to check my critical heart.

After worship was a time to share testimonies. One man shared a testimony that was really cool. Backstory-Last week there was a fire near Daughters. A house burned down and a 20-year old girl died because she was trapped inside. (That's not the cool part.) Here is the testimony that the man shared...

"I didn't have anything to do yesterday, so I went to my neighbors' house to visit and encourage them. Their house just burned down last week and their daughter died in the fire. I told them about Jesus and how God is good and how He has transformed my life. I encouraged them that Jesus is the only way to heaven."

What?? How cool! I know that plenty of people have prayed for God to send this family someone to share Christ with them. Amazing. Praise God for that.

After testimonies, the woman who was dancing during worship prayed and shared a message. I discovered then that she is the pastor of the church. Her prayer and message was really powerful and encouraging. As time went on in the service, my critical thoughts were challenged and I began to see how God is alive and moving in this church.

Before church ended, we took communion. Here's another point where I had to check myself...They pulled out the little communion table and all I saw on it was a glass of juice and a bowl of pineapple chunks. The pastor walked up to the table and the first thing she said was "now we're going to do something a little different today". Red flag! We're not about to desecrate the sacred ritual of communion by replacing the bread with pineapple! Ahh! No!" Then I saw the bread...O, okay. She lifted the bowl of pineapple and said, "this is the first pineapple we picked from our fields this harvest season and we want to offer it to the Lord". Wow, that's pretty cool.

I loved visiting this church. I loved the people and their warmth and worshiping with them. I'm challenged when I walk into a church and it's different from how I think things are "supposed" to be. I'm quick to criticize the worship style or if something doesn't seem biblical to me. I never want to lose my critical eye-I know it's a good thing, but I also want to walk in as a sister in Christ rather than a judge.

In the words of my teammate Leakana..."you betta check yoself before you wreck yoself". This seems to be applicable advice J

It's been really cool in the last month to see God show me how He's moving in all of that. My number one struggle since coming to Cambodia has been feeling inadequate-that I am not doing enough, I can be doing more, and I'm falling short every day of my "job" as a missionary.

It feels like for the last several months God's been letting me chase my tail until I'm exhausted and sucked dry. I'm so hard on myself. I have no grace. On my bike rides home from Daughters, I often reflect on frustrations I have about what I could have said to someone, opportunities I missed to serve people, and how I am missing these huge, gigantic plans that God has because I'm not doing enough. Sitting in condemnation with the hope that tomorrow I'll do better.

Meanwhile, I've been forgetting who I AM. Or maybe I am just now learning. I'm a missionary, but that's not who I am. I'm a volunteer at Daughters, but that's not who I am. I'm a Khmer student, but that's not who I am. None of these things, no matter how great or horrible I am at them, give me identity or value. Not an ounce.

So now when I start to feel guilty, I'm learning to fight with truth instead of plans for self-improvement. Jesus is perfect. His grace covers me. I am not measured by what I do, but by His perfection. My identity is in him. I'm being challenged to hide behind Jesus rather than trying to decorate myself and stand on doing. It's SO cool.

I've had this analogy in my head the last two days--of fighting with a sword (truth) rather than with my own two fists. Not letting feelings control me, but having an attitude of WORSHIP and declaring truth no matter how I feel. Truth is feeding my soul. I have to talk about it. I have to thank God for it.

Is the truth setting you free?